nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
