By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
