apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!