Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
