mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
