i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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