woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
