when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
