I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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