3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
