I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
