So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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