Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
