my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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