Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
