you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have feelings that need drinking.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
