I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
