I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
