If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
