You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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