so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
