Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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