I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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