Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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