good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
