Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He felt like a one man threesome
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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