I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im part way to drunk.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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