i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
