Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
