Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
