my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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