I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
