well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
