I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
