She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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