all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
