I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
