Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
