dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
