ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
