Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
worst night to have a conscience
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
