apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
