Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
