so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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