woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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