I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
