I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
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This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He? As in you personified your dick?