Who wears a wallet chain?!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux