He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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