I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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