"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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