I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
