apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
