Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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