Redeem this text for a blowjob
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
