Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
