The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
